26 February 2011

The Laws of Laziness

Aswin's laws of laziness consist of three metaphysical laws that form the basis for classical laziness. They describe the relationship between the forces acting on a body and its resistance to those forces.

First law - The Law of Inertia: 
Every lazy person remains in a state of rest with a uniform motion of thought, unless acted upon by an external unbalanced force, like a slap. This means that in the absence of a non-zero net force, the center of mass of a body continues to remain at rest, and the thought process moves at a constant speed, usually zero (blank thoughts) or negligible (eg. a distant, repeating-once-in-ten-seconds 'thud'ding noise).

Second law - The Laziness Quotient: 
Laziness m subject to a net force F undergoes an acceleration a that has the same direction as the force and a magnitude that is directly proportional to the force and inversely proportional to the laziness, i.e., F = ma.

This clearly shows that no force can affect the masters of laziness whose laziness quotients are beyond any force known to man. Hence the acceleration (to snap out of the lazy world and do some real work) that is developed due to the force will always be negligible. Attaining this stage is called 'Godliness' (you know, those old movies where sages keep praying to the Gods and it takes 20 years for the God to appear in front of them?)

Third law - The Law of Potential: 
"The mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies are unequal and usually opposite."

This is an extension to the third law of motion that Newton came up with centuries ago and fills in the gap that made it imperfect. He said that whenever a first body exerts a force F on a second body, the second body, if not lazy (filling the gap), exerts a force −F on the first body. F  (action) and −F (reaction) are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction.

However, in the event of one of the actors being lazy, he need not react with a force equal to -F. He ignores. He forgives. He stays... and the kinetic energy exerted upon him (F) will be converted into potential energy and be stored for future requirements as a kind of fat. This is why you hear people say, "This guy has potential. Sad he's not using it."

This law is sometimes referred to as the action-but-no-reaction law, with F called the "action" and the rarely encountered strange look on the lazy guy's face called the "reaction". The action and the reaction are usually not simultaneous and is separated by a delay proportional to the aforementioned laziness quotient..

The three laws of Aswin were first compiled by Sir "I-suck" Aswin in his work Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Athica (yet to be published. He was too lazy to find a publisher), dedicated to Athica's, the store in IIMB that understands his laziness quotient by ensuring room delivery of simple stuff like water bottles that he could anyway get by walking 100 metres from his room to the nearest water doctor.

Also, Aswin used these laws to explain and investigate the motion of many physical objects and systems. For example, he showed that these laws of laziness, combined with his own extension to Newton's law of universal gravitation (for another day, people), explains the several flaws in Kepler's laws of planetary motion... and also why Planets move like a bum, so slowly that we don't even notice it.

PS: No offence to Newton or his laws (ideally, open this in another window and compare them). Also, the 'He' used in the paragraph does not mean it is applicable to guys alone. Lazy to use he/she bla bla stuff. 

24 February 2011

IPL 3 Finals

The Location : Mumbai - Office

There I was, watching the finals, in a room full of really crazy Mumbai fans...as the solitary supporter of the Chennai Super Kings. The others were okay with all my ‘YaY’s and running around when Dhoni had hit those God-like sixes to take us into the semi-finals (whatay match!), but they weren’t going to tolerate any of that against Mumbai and/or Sachin. Strictly speaking, only a fool would shout against Sachin anywhere in India.

So then, CSK had done a really good job and there I was, sitting coolly in a corner of the room smiling just enough to irritate the others in the room. They were looking at the screen, hoping for a miracle when Pollard walked in.

55 runs in three overs with Bollinger getting ready to bowl...

I was confident, but I was slightly scared. They still had Rayudu and Pollard at the crease.  That over went for 22 runs - 4,6,2,4,0,6 – wham bham pow! The world was suddenly beginning to rotate faster than usual and there were celebrations all over the room, with people jumping all around the place going ‘Pollard! Pollard!’ I was staring at my laptop screen just so people didn’t know I was scared. Still tried to keep that smile on my face, but was nearly sure I might be crying at the end of this. Of course, we did lose in 2008 after I’d started celebrating our victory.

‘This isn’t happening’, I kept telling myself.

Albie Morkel stepped in to bowl...One of the more expensive guys in our line up. People started celebrating in Mumbai. Crazy thoughts kept running in my head. ‘20 runs off him and we’d be buried well under the ground’...‘Why did Murali have to finish his four already? Damn, damn, damn’...well, that was the general idea. While Rayudu took two deliveries to get one run, Pollard started the proceedings with a boundary.

Then came the dot ball. 

The crowd on and off the screen were still rooting for Pollard and I was hoping for another dot ball. 5 off 4 deliveries was awesome at this stage. Run out! Run out! Rayudu walked back. Pollard would have had to know magic to win it from there, but of course, people believed that he did. 

And then, he got out. 27 off the last over : No Pollard : ‘Bowling’-er stepping up : Mua ha ha !

I was walking across the room with that smug smile that usually irritated people...no jumping in joy, running around or anything that would get me beaten up. Bollinger finished it quite easily and people were still staring at the screen in disbelief.

Oh yea, baby, We had won.

PS: Wrote this long back but had not posted it anywhere for reasons I can't remember.

06 February 2011

Totalement en mer.


They show you your own emotions.
Fear, Hope, Anger, Pride, Envy and most of all, Love.
Sadistic that you're shown what you lost...
even after you'd managed to find it.

So these dreams - they make the real world
your personal hell, mostly.
Or heaven perhaps... if you ain't me.

You used to think that dreams can but help you.
Like they could tell you things in advance!
So that the hurdles won't be out of the blue
and you might, after all, stand a chance.

...but wait, you couldn't have been all that right
coz' life, with all its bloody might,
ran you down with out so much of a shrug.

Perhaps, those days, it was on some drug.

She was but the central theme
around whom the dreams revolved...
around whom your world evolved.

and then, because of your belief in fate
that love is destined to succeed,
or simply because your tongue tied itself
and fingers typed zilch when she was involved,
She was there no more.

Oh, like she even knew what was going on.
She knew zilch and would only know zilch
about your love, devotion, adoration and worship...
about your world and how she is everything to it
...its very soul.

You dream only about her these days, I gather.
Hours and hours and hours of her smiling face.
Ta vie, mon ami, elle est totalement en mer...
Totalement en mer.

Ha, but life's cruel in a crazy way, coz
You, hereafter, can only dream about her!
...and dreams, despite being your personal hell
are your only sources of respite.


05 February 2011

Status Check

Around May last year, I was kind of happy but stressed out. I wasn't the greatest writer I knew. Even that guy Tharoor wrote better, they said. I was not sure where I was heading. I thought I needed a vacation, badly. Went ahead and took one.

Six months into the vacation, I realise it's neither relieved any amount of stress nor has it lived up to the hefty price tag. The tour operators kinda hyped it up, the %@$#*s. They've even got a feedback form to be filled tomorrow where they'll know what I think of their arrangements. They're calling it 'mid-term' and I've been filling a whole lot of them for a while now... but I don't see any kind of action based on the feedback, you know.

Ah whatever. What matters is now. I can't think of a better way to spend today. Just drinkin chocolate and watchin sitcoms and movies. 

Oh, and one thing, Mr.God. I hope the world ends by April 2012... coz' I don't even want to think what lies ahead of that.

That will be all.