23 August 2011

Credit card chahiye?

Simple stuff to try out next time you get that irritating call:

Rep: Sir, I'm calling from Standard Chartered.
Me: What chart?
Rep: Standard Chartered.
Me: What's that?
Rep: Bank sir.
Me: Oh Citibank? Indian Bank?
Rep: Standard Chartered, sir.
Me: Ok ok Axis Bank eh? (can go on till you are bored or till he cuts the phone)

#2 (True Story. happened 5 mins back)
Rep: Sir, I'm calling from Standard Chartered, Sir
Me: What's it about?
Rep: Platinum Credit card Sir.
Me: Not interested.
Rep: Sir, can I just explain for a minute?
Me: Okay.
Rep: Bla bla bla bla.
Me: Doubt.
Rep: Explains
Me: Crazy Doubt 2
Rep: Explains.
Me: Accha, so why are you offering credit cards to school goers?
Rep: Sir, we have a database that says you work with IBM.
Me: No, I go to NPS Indiranagar.
*Line cut*

Rep: Good morning I'm calling from Citibank.
Me: No , no. Not interested. I'm already married. (cut)

Rep: Can I speak to you for a minute?
Me: Can you call me at 2 AM? I am free only at 2 AM every day. Okay?

Rep: Sir, I'm calling from Standard Chartered.

The game here is to use only two responses for all conversations.
a) Why? / But Why?
b) So What?
(Strat Lead inspired)
The person with the highest usage of the above wins.

Rep: Sir, I'm calling from Standard Charte...
Me: Tell me. How much black money do you guys hide?
Rep: Sir this is about...
Me: How much black money do you guys hide?! Talk ME!
*Line cut.*
The number of times the cust rep tries to talk before cutting the line gives his Resilience factor (RF). If a sufficient number of people do this each time he calls, his RF would go down and eventually reach zero.

Rep: Sir, I'm calling from Standard Chartered.
Me: Chubramani? Epdi da iruka? (Subramani, How are you? - As in some old bhagyaraj movie)
Rep: hello?
Me: Paathu evalo naal agudhu. veetla elam epdi irukanga? (How are people at home? Long time no see?)

Goes on with questions like 'did you have your dinner' and 'remember 4th lane in our society where u, me, vivek, ashok, raja, rani, police, thief and all used to play cricket?'. You'll be amazed at how funny you can get.

PS: Used bank names (Citi, StanChart) are actual callers irritating me with calls regarding credit card. So yea, STOP CALLING!

16 August 2011

Jan Lok Pal ver 2.3

Fot those who have no time to read the draft but are bent on supporting the bill anyway (but WHY!), upto Chapter 3 in the draft alone, I could see these many problems. Refrained myself from adding too many opinions. Think for yourself.

(Excerpts from draft at the IAC site itself)


 ... The bill, therefore, provides that the vigilance machinery and the grievance redressal machinery also be brought under the supervisory control of an independent Lokpal.

... In accordance with all the above principles enunciated in the UNCAC, the powers of investigation and prosecution of public officials for corruption and disciplinary action for corruption against government officials are sought to be brought under an independent Lokpal authority... Other ancillary powers such as freezing of assets acquired by public servants by corrupt means are also sought to be conferred on this authority. The integrity of the authority and the anti-corruption/vigilance machinery under its control is sought to be achieved by mandating transparency in its functioning and public participation, wherever possible. The accountability of the Lokpal itself would be to the Supreme Court, which would have the authority to enquire into and order the removal of members of the Lokpal (my note: Lokpal is a committee with JUDGES. Smart card). Judicial review over the actions of the Lokpal by the High Courts under Article 226 (my note: gives opposing views 2 months to PROVE their views or stay quiet, as mentioned later) and the Supreme Court under Article 32 and 136 would further ensure the accountability of the Lokpal.

A Bill to establish an independent authority to investigate offences under the Prevention of Corruption Act, 1988 to detect corruption by expeditious investigation and to prosecute offenders and to ensure timely redressal of certain types of public grievances and to provide protection to whistleblowers.

 (e) “Act of corruption” includes -:
 (j) “Penalty” under this Act means punishment of dismissal, removal or reduction in rank
(k) “Public authority” means any authority or body or institution of self-governance established or constituted –
i) by or under the Constitution; or
ii) by or under any other law made by the Parliament, or a state legislature 8
iii) by notification issued or order made by the Government, and includes any body owned, controlled or substantially financed by the Government;

4. (1) Immediately after the commencement of this Act, the Central Government by a Notification shall establish an institution known as Lokpal, who would have administrative, financial and functional independence from the government.
 (4) The following shall not be eligible to become Chairperson or Member of Lokpal:
(a) Any person, who is not a citizen of India, or
(b) Any person, against whom charges were ever framed by any court of law for any offence involving moral turpitude, or
(5) At least four members of Lokpal shall have a legal background.
Explanation: “Legal Background” means that the person should have held a judicial office in the territory of India for at least ten years or should have been an advocate (note: NOT a judge.) in a High Court or the Supreme Court for at least fifteen years.

Functions of Lokpal:
6. The Lokpal shall have the following functions and powers
a) to exercise superintendence over the investigation of offences involving any act of corruption.
b) to give directions to the investigating officers for the purpose of proper investigation of such offences.
c) after completion of investigation in any case involving an allegation of an act of corruption, to impose punishment of dismissal, removal or reduction in rank against government servants after giving them reasonable (note: which is?) opportunities of being heard.
f) to ensure the proper prosecution of cases before a Special Court established under the Prevention of Corruption Act, 1988.  
(l) to appoint judicial officers, prosecutors and senior counsels.
(n) to attach property and assets acquired by corrupt means and to confiscate them in certain cases as provided under this Act.
p) to ensure due compliance of its orders by imposing penalties on persons failing to comply with its orders as provided under this Act.
v) to require any public authority to render any specific help required by the Lokpal.
 (x) Such other functions as may be necessary for the proper implementation of this Act.
Powers of officers under Lokpal
7. (1) The Investigating Officers of Lokpal authorized to investigate offences under the Prevention of Corruption Act 1988 shall have all the powers which are vested in a Police Officer while investigating offences under the Code of Criminal Procedure, as well as the powers conferred on the director of enforcement under the Foreign Exchange Management Act, 1999 as well as under the Prevention of Money Laundering Act, 2002.
(2) The members of Lokpal or any officer under the Lokpal while exercising any powers under the Act shall have the powers of a civil court trying a suit under the Code of Civil Procedure, 1908, and in particular, in respect of the following matters :
(a) summoning and enforcing the attendance of any person from any part of India and examining him on oath;
(b) requiring the discovery and production of any document;
(c) receiving evidence on affidavits;
(d) requisitioning any public record or copy thereof from any court or office;
(e) issuing commissions for the examination of witnesses or other documents; and
(f) any other matter which may be prescribed
(3) All members of the Lokpal and all officers of the Lokpal superior in rank to an Investigating Officer may exercise the same powers as may be exercised by such Investigating Officer. (Note: Why mention investigating officer earlier instead of mentioning ‘all lokpal are police officers with the power of a court’? in other words, play God.)
(4) A Lokpal bench may punish a public servant with imprisonment up to 6 months or with fine or both, if he fails to comply with its order for ensuring their compliance
(5) If during the course of investigation into a complaint, the Lokpal feels that continuance of a government servant in that position could adversely affect the course of investigations or that the said government servant is likely to destroy or tamper with the evidence or influence the witnesses or is likely to continue with corruption, the Lokpal may issue appropriate directions including transfer of that government servant from that position.
 (7) While investigating any offence under Prevention of Corruption Act 1988, Lokpal shall be competent to investigate any offence under any other law in the same case.
8. For the purposes of investigation of offences related to acts of corruption, the appropriate Bench of the Lokpal shall be deemed to be designated authority under Section 5 of the Indian Telegraph Act empowered to approve interception and monitoring of messages of data or voice transmitted through telephones, internet or any other medium as covered under the Indian Telegraph Act read with Information and Technology Act 2000 and as per rules and regulations made under the Indian Telegraph Act 1885.
Issue of search warrants:
(3) A warrant issued under sub-section (1) shall for all purposes, be deemed to be a warrant issued by a court under section 93 of the Code of Criminal Procedure, 1973. 

What did the poor Villains ever do to you?

I am sick of all the people cheering the movie heroes on in real life.

They get the bigger salaries, they punch other people in the movies, they get to do all kinds of things with the heroine, they get all the songs, the audience claps for their name, cheers them during stunts and punch dialogues, they get most of the screen time in the trailers and the movie itself... In addition to all this, they are also celebrated in real life.

What nonsense.

The villains do all the dirty work. They get paid less, made to wear really stupid costumes, are given very lame dialogues, made to look like brainless idiots, get punched and thrown around, can never get close to the heroine, are usually given a stupid wife, people even clap when they get beaten up! They bring all the magic to the screen (imagine action movies without villains, I say. Simply lame.), never get to travel to switzerland for songs - instead of it - are usually made to sit in one stinking dingy room in local warehouse calling it the villain's hideout, and are only remembered for getting beaten up by words or fists. Very few villains are given more than half the screen time as the hero and after doing all this, they don't have explicit fan clubs either.

Unfair world, this is. Look at Megamind, Dark Knight or even Padayappa. More movies like that, please. And please pay the villains more, God-damm-it. The better the villains are, the better the movie is.

Celebrate the villains.

GrandMaster of all Villainy
(translation: Magaamind)