18 February 2014

All Ye Who Live Alone

Well, it's been a while since I wrote anything on this blog and after reading James Altucher's 'Write for a living' blog post a few minutes back, I thought, well, I can start now.

This might resonate with you if you've lived alone - and might be of help if you're planning to. This is about the enemies I face and defeat (most of the time) on a near-daily basis.

Let me start with an easy villain.

Mr. MadCap Chaos:

He's an easy villain because I'm used to his ways.

Can you find Bill Gates' face in the above picture? This is what happens when I search for my wallet or a pen or anything else. It can drive you mad. He hides them, MC Chaos. There's no one else else who knows where they are either. I fight him using my Sherlock Holmes level deductions, retracing my steps when I came home the previous day and figuring out the possible locations for the wallet.

He can drive you mad if you're late for a meeting or so, but it's actually a fun game if you have enough time.

Mr. Donnie Dark:

This villain has no name, no form and there's no proof he exists. He scares the hell out of thousands of children every single night though. I'm calling him Mr. Dark because I named a villain so in a super hero series I wrote as a kid.

I used to make the mistake of braving a horror flick or watching ghost-based TV shows when living alone. I tell you now, it's not a great idea. I saw this one show based on Ghosts inside mirrors (Not the movie named Mirrors. That sucked). After that, I left the lights on for, I think, three days.

Mr. Dark is a dangerous enemy. He aims for your heart, striking fear into it. That's potentially fatal.

See the above picture. The real question there is "Who's there behind the streetlight"?

Ms. Dusty Stormborn:

In a guy's apartment, she should be a fairly common menace. First, let me tell you how to identify if she's targeting you.

Drop a book on the floor from a reasonable height. You're one of her targets if you see this.

It happens on that scale when God drops a book, but surely you get the point?

Dusty is a small villain, sure, but the effects she has on your respiratory system is slow - and she's like slow poison if you look at it that way. She creeps into your life slowly but surely and you don't realise it even after she completely takes over your house.

There's a very standard solution to counter her powers though. A group of mercenaries exist in every city who dedicate their lives to stopping her from achieving her world domination goals. They call themselves Housemaids, last I heard. Look them up, enlist their help and save yourself.

Why is this villain a 'she'? She's D.Stormborn, that's why.

The Life Giver:

Doesn't sound like a villain's name?

Remember the time you put some utensils in the sink and forgot about them for a few days? He creates infinite Spiderman level villains (green goblins) and tries to destroy your loyal fighters, the utensils.

This is probably how you found your sink when something reminded you about the forgotten utensils.

Yes. With time, he can even defeat giant freaks of nature like mountains.

The green life feeds on your loyal subjects and you hope to God that you didn't leave a wooden spatula in the mix (RIP). Getting rid of him will require you to work on developing self control, create systems like always washing utensils (and the sink) every day and being very careful about the type of utensils you use...because I tell you, this guy is dangerous.

When his minions enter your apartment, realise that you are no longer the only visible living being in the house and that the minions have it in their nature to spread.


On a more serious note, I guess  there are possibly real enemies I could write about - which isn't that fun. Like I get these calls on my land-line phone before or immediately after nightfall once every few days. No one speaks at the other end and cuts the call when I answer the phone, or someone asks for a random name. I get this feeling that some gang of thieves knows I live alone and checks if I'm not at home - so that they can break in without anyone shrieking. So yea, I've been patiently answering the wrong number calls, in line with Syrio Forel's dialogue in Game of Thrones - "Not today."

I'm paranoid beyond belief, no?